Here’s a plan for parenting – it won’t work!

_{Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash}

Plans don’t work during parenting and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how. As parents bringing kids up, I’m sure you would have seen that they do the exact opposite of what we tell them, well, more often than not. This is a basic parenting roadblock which every parent encounters at every stage of our parenting journey, as we watch our little bundles of joy grow up.

This starts right from the toddler stage, when they are least likely to understand what we are trying to convey to them or want them to follow. We nurture our kids with a lot of do’s and don’ts – riders that we feel will create a virtual safety net around them. Until it just all falls apart.

Our limitations

What we fail to understand is this. We ourselves as adults don’t like restrictions imposed on us and when our parents tell us not to do certain things from their experience, we don’t listen ninety percent of the time. Effectively through our actions, our wins and our misses, we create our own learnings, our own experiences, our own journey.

Every human being has this inherent want to experience things by themselves – empirically!

Kids with their curious nature, want to do things out of excitement, because they want to learn first-hand from their experience, which leads to disobeying parents’ caveats.

We need to realise that every parenting experience is unique too, because each child is special in his or her own way with unique stimuli and conditions they face during their childhood, so some things might work for some and the exact same thing can fall smack on the face for others.

Finding a root cause

The problem is not with our kids. It is in us. We stay in such a society where everything has boiled down to having a badge value, and in this race, we are making them that is our younglings, also run in it. We nowadays forget that as parents we have so much power which can really forge the very future of our kids.

Kids naturally have the nature of aping us, because for them everything which they see they believe to be true, because they don’t have any pre-experience of anything in life. So what we do in front of them sets the bar, the precedent for them and the moment we contradict our own statements they either get confused or they smarten up and start disobeying us, because they know that they can get away with it, much like they’ve seen us do. Like when we tell kids not to shout because we find it noisy, but if within a few minutes, we ourselves start shouting even if it is in excitement or anger or any emotional outburst. They can’t understand that emotion. They just articulate it in their mind that “they just stop me from shouting and now they themselves are doing it, so I too can get away with it”. Kids are like sponges. They absorb what they see and hear. So, we need to be extremely conscious of what we are doing and saying in front of them, lest we set the wrong example, however unconsciously might we be acting.

Resolving the “Rebellion” (AKA how I managed it)

The only way to control their rebellious behaviour is to get involved with them or indulge them in the act in the right way (Remember every kid has their unique idea of involvement).

To make it clearer, let me share an incident with you all.  My husband and I went to a very close friend’s cocktail party with my then 3-year-old daughter (I did not have the option of leaving her at home as we were staying in Mumbai as a nuclear family and had no immediate relatives we could drop her off at). So at the party, a lot of people were drinking alcohol and my daughter started asking for the same drink. I told her it’s medicine for adults, just to get her off my back. But after some time, she asked me again and this time she said, “Mimi! I want this big people medicine because its yummy na!” I was left dumbstruck.

We came back home but I was very disturbed as to what I should tell her in a similar situation next time. I keep on turning it over in my head as I wanted to get to why my idea had failed. Suddenly, I had a brainwave!

Our little daughter has a very different understanding about medicine. For her it is bad in taste and supposed to be taken in very less quantity. But when I told her that was “big people’s medicine”, at first, she understood but when she saw people drinking it again and again and enjoying it (because she related her own experience of bitter or bad tasting medicine, which she saw no one exhibit here as they downed their drinks), she got tempted again towards it and wanted to drink it the first chance she got.

So, this is how I fashioned my way out of this imbroglio:

The first step I decided to take was to stop calling it as medicine. Instead, I decided I would be using some other nomenclature like “juice” / “spicy drink” or “bitter juice”, which would reduce her curiosity (which it thankfully did too).

The second step was to involve her in the activity and make her feel part of that gathering. So now the question arose as to how to involve her in this act inclusively. She would observe that we adults would normally dilute our drinks with some sort of mixer like cold drink / tonic water, juice or syrups, even water.

The best way to engage her was to give her a same / similar coloured drink and involve her in the “cheers” as the drinks would be passed around. With kids, this gesture makes them feel included and party to the activity happening all around.

Capturing the essence (AKA “Why” it worked)

Just suppose they want to sip from your glass. Curb your shocked expression with a cool tact that smartly stops them feeling that you are drinking something different than what is in their glasses. Presto – instant curiosity dampener!

As the age-old saying goes that our kids are clay in our hands. We just need to know how to mould them in the right way, while not alienating them.

I’ve heard a lot of parents complain, “my child is very impatient / does not listen to me / throws a lot of tantrums” and whatnot. Believe me, when I was going through a lot of articles on the net, I found out that much like me, a lot of mothers were also looking for a simple solution for managing their child’s mannerisms.

As mother to my 8-year-old little angel, I can safely say from experience, that articles can only provide broad guidelines. What we mothers (and fathers) need to do is spend more quality time with our kids. The number of hours don’t matter. A dedicated couple of hours are key. We need to observe kids closely, as each child is special and we need to understand them well to be able to address their ‘specific’ needs.

In passing… (if that helps you along!)

As per my observations, the textbook carrot and stick approach don’t work. At least blindly.

Instead of threatening the child with consequences, it would be infinitely more fruitful to let the child know that by acting in a certain way, they are causing hurt to us (the parents). For me, what has worked is that I tell my daughter, when she acts in a way I don’t like, “This will make me upset!” I have thankfully raised her to be quite sensitive and she would not want me to be sad or upset. My statement for now, has the effect of stopping her from continuing her naughty acts. Instead, she then focuses on me and tries to make me smile, effectively diverting her mind from said activity too, in the bargain.

Will this work for you? There’s no ready answer. But the hope in sharing this is that you might get some added ideas to strengthen your dirty bag of sly parenting tricks. It’s not easy I know, but all we can do is try!

Reboot your parenting brain

We as parents crave for one day of solace as we trudge through our daily parenting adventures (and nightmares). But as luck will have it, this dream seems too good to be true.

Let’s face it folks!

Even the best-laid plans don’t work at times when it comes to parenting, because, of course, kids tend to do the exact opposite of what we tell them. This is a fundamental problem, which every parent goes through at every stage of our parenting journey as our kids grow up. Starting right from the toddler stage, we try and raise our kids with lots of restrictions /dos and don’ts. But what we don’t understand is this: we as adults don’t take too well to restrictions. Do you remember when our parents used to tell us not to do certain things from their experience? We didn’t listen, 90% of the time. Isn’t it?

It is in our nature. Every human wants to experience things by themselves.

Kids have this innate, inherent excitement and want to do things or try out new experiences out of pure curiosity and this is when the chronic disobedience episode strikes.

There’s something that we easily forget, and yet need to keep realising, that every parenting experience is unique – because each child is special in its own way. Each has their own unique childhood and experience set, so as a result, some things might work for some and the same thing can fall flat for others. 

Raising kids does not have a FORMULA!

The bigger realisation is that the problem is not with our kids. It rests with us. We stay in such a society where everything has boiled down to our ability to show-off. What is worse is that we are making them run in this race as well, just to keep up a convoluted sense of appearances, which we concoct. We nowadays forget that as parents we have such great power (and with it the great responsibility) to forge the future of our kids.

Kids naturally follow what we do, especially in their first seven formative years. For them, their belief in what they see around them is absolute. Everything which they see they believe to be true, because they don’t have any prior experience of anything in life. So what we do in front of them sets the bar of acceptable behaviour for them. When we start imposing our framework of what’s acceptable and what’s not as per societal norms, their ability to develop their mental faculties and reasoning abilities goes for a toss. Furthermore, we tend to break the exact same framework for our benefit, right in front of them at times. The moment we contradict our own statement or actions, they get confused and they start disobeying us because flippant and aberrant behaviour suddenly becomes acceptable norm for them.

Imagine this. It’s been a longish day (whether it is at work or at home) and you feel weary with the weight of the world on your shoulders. You just want to have a quiet evening and you suddenly find yourself facing an overenthusiastic child, whose energy just would not godown that day. You want them to pipe down, but it just seems the universe has conspired to bereave you of any peace and quiet that evening. Your frustration reaches a head and you scream at the child to be quiet. As your temper dies down after your outburst, the unkindest cut of all comes from the teary-eyed child you’ve just chastised, “When I shout, even in fun, you always scream at me. But you don’t listen to what you’ve only said – not to scream!” You are left speechless, with your ego shattered as badly as is the general mood of the house. As adults, we feel that kids ought to listen to what we ask of them without skipping a beat.

However, we forget that kids are like sponges.

They absorb what they see and listen to. So, we need to be extremely conscious of what we are doing and saying. The only way to temper or deflect their rebellious behaviour is to get involved with them or engage them in the activity in the right way (as every kid is unique, their idea of involvement can be different).

Confusing?

Just to throw some light on how things can quickly go from square to squawky in a jiffy, let me share an incident with you all.  My husband and I went to a very close friend’s cocktail party with my then 3-year-old daughter (I did not have the option then of leaving her at home as we don’t have any extended family to depend on for such things where we stay – Mumbai). So this gig was like any typical house-party in suburban Mumbai. A lot of people were drinking alcohol and having a good time when suddenly my daughter starts asking for the very drink I’m holding. As is typical practice amongst adults to deflect such situations, I told her it is “big-people medicine” so that she stops asking me for it, but after some time she asked me again and this time she said “Mimi! I want this big-people medicine because it’s yummy na!” I was completely stumped! Somehow, she had other playmates around and got involved with them at the moment and I had some saving grace.

I was speechless as to what to tell her next. We came back home but I was very disturbed. I was at a complete loss as to what to tell her in a similar situation next time. I kept turning the problem over in my head. Suddenly, I had an epiphany. For my little daughter, the understanding about medicine was very different – it was supposed to be bad in taste and supposed to be taken in very less quantity as prescribed. Initially, when I told her that it was “big-people medicine”, at first she made peace with it. But later, when she saw people drinking it again and again and enjoying it, she again got tempted and wanted to drink it the first chance she got.

Now I felt I had a plan that just might work!

The first step was to stop calling it “medicine”. Instead, I decided to use other terms like juices /spice drink or bitter juice, which I hoped would reduce her inherent curiosity.

The second step was to involve them as participants in the act and make them feel like they were also part of that gathering.

So now the question arises – how to involve them in this act? We normally dilute our drinks with some sort of mixers like a cold drink/juice or syrup. The best way of engaging them is to give them the same colour of drink and do a ‘round of cheers’. This gesture makes them feel involved and part of the activity and gathering, currently happening in their surroundings. You tell them that they are supposed to sip from their own glass. This way you ensure they don’t feel you are drinking something different, thus reducing their curiosity.

We need to constantly be aware of the fact that we are the parents, and raising our child is a constant game of mental chess as we try to show them the ropes of the world. As the wise Hitopadeshasays:

“मातृपितृकृताभ्यासो गुणितामेति बालकः |
न गर्भच्युतिमात्रेण पुत्रो भवति पण्डितः ||”

(matri pitri krita abhyaso gunita meti balakah |
na garbhachyuti matrena putro bhavati panditah||)

“With the continuous practices instilled by parents, does the child have great values! Just being born doesn’t make the child illustrious!”

Only through our intelligence, presence of mind and patience will we come out with shining colours in our test. And the result will be embedded in the way we have raised our children.

I hope my words have found resonance with you and your circumstances. What I’m offering is not a one-size-fits-all solution. All I’m trying to do is inspire you to look at obvious workarounds that exist just at hand for your specific conundrum. After all, your child is, as always, unique.

My best wishes on your continuing parenting journey. I will be back soon with another interesting and maybe quirky take on this wonderful path that we as parents are all treading together and yet alone in our very own unique ways.

Beyond carrots and sticks

I’m taking up the discussion from where I left it at, in my previous post. We have all been told at some point or the other, by a stern-faced adult (parent/family member/ teacher):

“Kids are like clay. We just need to know how to mould them in the right way!”

Lot of parents complain, “My child is very impatient/does not listen to me /throws a lot of tantrums” and so forth. When I was going through a lot of articles on the net, I realised that like me, a lot of mothers were looking for simple solutions to better manage their child’s tantrums.

There are no ready solutions

As a mother of a 3-year old little angel, I can safely say from my own experience, that articles found online, can only provide guidelines. At the end of the day, each child being unique, each parent must use their empirical experience to weather these emotional storms, when they break out. I’m just sharing my honest opinion here. What I have realised as a mother is that I need to spend more quality time with my kid. The sheer number of hours don’t matter. A dedicated couple of hours are key to get past it. Giving time means also observing them closely. Each child has their own special nuances and as parents, we need to be understand them well, to be able to address their specific needs.

Here’s my slightly ballsy belief, which may shock a lot of mothers who were conditioned to think traditionally only. Over time, I believe that the age-old ‘Carrot & Stick’ approach isn’t something that will work entirely on its own, especially in today’s era.

Instead of threatening the child with consequences, it is far more fruitful to let the child know the effect of causality. They need to process and store mentally that by acting in a certain way, they are causing hurt to us (the parents). For me, what has worked is that I tell my daughter, when she acts in a way I don’t like, “This will make me upset!” I have thankfully raised her to be sensitive and being a doting daughter, she does not want me to be sad or upset. My statement for now, has won me the interim joy of stopping her from being naughty. Instead, she then focuses on me and tries to make me smile, effectively diverting her mind from her unwanted activity too, in the bargain.

Spare the rod actually works

Needlessly screaming, shouting or raising my voice has thankfully not found place in my modus operandi. I am of the firm belief that kids don’t need to be given corporal punishment, if you raise them to be afraid of your ‘nazar’ or look. The child isn’t born with sensibilities of right and wrong. But over consistent interactions, if you can build that bond of trust, then the child looks up to you for guidance. Once you have this bridge built painstakingly, half the battle is won. The child learns to catch your expression’s meaning and will want to conform to your wishes. They believe implicitly in your judgment and trust the fact that what you will do for them will always be in their best interests.

Let them have a fall, but have that band-aid handy

Life is the best teacher and guide, giving us necessary knowledge through experience. Who and what we have become today is as much a function of whatever rote learning we have received as it is about the experiences that have taught us how to operate in certain circumstances. Basic instincts like fire burns, or that ice is cold or insects bite has at times been painfully realized through empirical interactions. Our children, at times out of sheer curiosity will want to probe exactly what we have been asking them not to.

The only way to ensure that learning takes place with permanency is to let them experience that minuscule pain so that they get the causal connect of their actions leading to their ramifications. Just remember, we need to just be around to catch them when they fall, so that their experience is complete, but doesn’t necessarily mean a wound remains on their soul. It is a hard job, but parenting is also an acquired learning, and there is an old Sanskrit saying that aptly applies itself here as well:

काक चेष्टा, बको ध्यानं, श्वान् निद्रा तथैवच |
(Kak cheshta, bako dhyanam, shwan nidra tathaivacha:
Be consistent and persevere till you succeed like the crow, be astutely steadfast in your concentration like the crane standing on a leg atop a pond in wait for fish, and sleep with one eye open for any exigency like a dog would!)

That’s all for this time around, but do catch me next time as I capture some great pearls of wisdom from one of the foremost modern thinkers on parenting.

Outsmarting today’s über-smart kids

“Is that a selfie she just took?”

My husband’s expression of shock and disbelief was both comic and intriguing at the same time. We were in Chennai and our floor-mattress bed was also where the cellphone lay which he had just taken out of his pocket after coming home. My daughter, all of a precious 7 months was the one whose handiwork had brought about the expression. As time has gone past, her selfie-clicking spree has also expanded unabated with pouts and side glances thrown in. Talk about today’s tech savvy kids, right?

Cut to an incident that happened just last Friday night. My husband, again back home from work was labouring over a presentation that had a very short turnaround expected. My daughter tucks in by 11:30pm on Fridays as she expects to have more ‘quality time’ with him as the weekend kicks in. But here she was wide awake at 2:30am, and in a mood! All my efforts at seeing her through to dreamland had gone utterly waste, as she kept calling for her father, who was in the drawing room, furiously punching away at his laptop.

Needless to say that she’s extremely fond of him, what with the little time she gets to spend with him in a day. But that evening, he was in for a tough time. When he managed to steal a little bit of time and came to lie down to help her go off to sleep, she didn’t speak with him for a good 15-20 minutes, if not more. After much cajoling, she snuggled up to him, her anger giving way.

To cut to the chase, children today are alarmingly quicker on the take. The sheer exposure that they have in today’s fast paced world immerses them in just too many activities, gadgets and environments. Their ability to soak in things is far more rapid than has been for our generation. And there lies the root of their many cravings. From food, to places, to things to do, they have a lot many more wants and cravings. And as parents, we are hard pressed for time and so we inevitably give in to their demands. Herein lies our trap.

To quote Pauline Esther ‘Popo’ Phillips, also known as Abigail Van Buren, who ran the hugely popular advice column “Dear Abby”:

“If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.”

As parents, we see our best laid child-rearing plans fall apart at the drop of a hat. Without fail, we are faced with scenarios where kids do the exact opposite of what we tell them. And what’s worse is it doesn’t go away with age or the expected maturity that comes with it, as our kids grow up. Right from when they are toddlers, we raise our kids corralled with a lot of dos and don’ts. But we tend to miss out on the fact that we ourselves, as adults, don’t like restrictions imposed upon us. When our parents would tell us not to do certain things from their experience we would hardly listen. We went right ahead and created our own experiences.

Without fail, every human being wants to experience things firsthand, and it’s no different for kids.

They want to do things for the sheer thrill of it. Their eagerness to garner their firsthand experience often leads them to disobey their parents.

Every parenting experience is unique in that each child has their own special ways about them. We parents need to come to terms first with the fact that there is no formula for childhood. What may work for some can easily fall flat for others.

The other realisation that needs to dawn upon us all is that the problem is not really with our kids but with us. We live in a society where everything has boiled down to a constant race at one-upmanship, and we are making them run in it. We tend to forget that how we behave with or in front of them is moulding them as well, at all times!

Not only do kids naturally follow in our footsteps, they also wholeheartedly believe it to be right because “Dad/Mom does it.” Their utter lack of precedent, other than what we enact for them, sets their bar. The moment we contradict our own statements, they realise that they can get away with breaking rules, which seeds disobedience. Say, we are watching a game on TV and we tell the kids not to shout as the din may disturb us. But if the very next moment, we ourselves start shouting, even if in genuine excitement, to them it passes on a signal that rules aren’t sacrosanct and can be broken as per convenience. Their sponge-like minds absorb all they see and hear. So, we need to be continuously, extremely conscious of what we are doing and saying in front of them. And when we deny them what they see us overruling our own rules – it is like tinder to gunpowder!

Due to sheer human nature, a child will rebel at least at some point. Then the only way to control their such behaviour is to involve or indulge them in the act with grace (each kid is unique idea and so the way to involve them can be different for each).

An anecdote may make things clearer.  My husband and I went for a close friend’s cocktail party along with my 3year old daughter (I did not have the option of leaving her home as we are a nuclear family staying in Mumbai). A lot of people were drinking alcohol and my daughter suddenly started asking for the same drink. So I told her “It is medicine for the Big People” just so she would stop bugging me. However, after some time she asked me again and this time she said “Mimi! I want this Big People medicine because its yummy na!”

I was totally stumped!.

Even when we returned home, I was still dreading this situation for I knew it would inevitably arise again. I was uneasily grilling my mind for a solution. I wanted to understand why my idea had failed. Suddenly, I had my moment of clarity. My little daughter has a very different understanding about medicine based on her experiences. It is for her, a necessary evil, horrid in taste and supposed to be taken in very less quantities when one is ill. When I told her that the drink was “Big People Medicine”, she understood at first. But when she saw people drinking it again and again and even enjoying it, she got tempted again towards it, and wanted to drink it the first chance she got.

Now I had a ready counter for my quandary.

My first step would be to stop telling her its medicine. Instead, I would be using terms like juice / spicy drink or bitter juice instead, which would reduce her curiosity.

The second step would involve her and any other kids present, in the evening’s festivities, and make them feel part of that gathering.

So now the question arises – how to make them feel involved? We normally dilute our drinks with some sort of mixer like a cold drink / soda /juice / syrup. The best way to manage the kid’s expectations is by engaging them. I now give them the same coloured drink and in a grown-up way ‘cheer’ the drink with them. This gesture makes them feel involved and included with the environment around them.

Now comes the moment of truth. Say, despite all of this, kids still want to sip from your glass. Here I smartly exchange glasses, so that they don’t feel we adults are drinking something different. This has worked with me so far, but yes, as they become wiser, I guess I’ll improvise. Till that time, I guess I have hit the sweet spot.

All right, playtime’s over!

Stay tuned for a bit more serious stuff along these lines, in my upcoming post.

Banamali’s Eyes

Amber eyes glow one last spark,
As it travels to yon melting pot,
Wonder do I, whether fearsome feline,
Lies slain with unerring shot!

“Strip’d royal of the woods was I,
My rage at men, taken by you!
Sundered my ordained claim of hunt,
And Order to Man returned anew!”

Eyes flicker’d in the thicket,
Lone witness to bereavement of sire,
Unbeknownst, had universal balance,
Turned sail to my quagmire!

“The Sins of the Father”, roost over lifetimes!
Daughter, a mother, lost to unspeakable force!
And travails of son’s future asea,
For the world in sound is his profound loss!

And yet Mercy, that potent instrument of Time,
Salves unheard wounds, with remedy splined,
Lesson gained from interring silence,
Deserted voices fount words, where none did find!

Loss of notes, of the musical kind,
Eject a flavour that’s choice,
As the mind worries less idly about,
His hand fashions now, his voice!

From fledgling to a mighty albatross,
His wings shaping winds, in time,
Fame, renown, recognition, reward,
Are his for edifices sublime!

A life, not quite, that loomed
Was gracefully, not his to bear,
Loving match, two saplings strong
‘Stead got entrusted to his care.

Hatching each sapling with tender care,
Heart fearful, yet eyes held delight,
Would they, like him, dance sans music?
Or, would better be their plight?

The promise of destiny bettered,
With grit and toil was wrought,
But at the cusp to witness ecstasy,
The thread of breaths was cut short!

Now my son, returned to me,
Stands beyond Time’s realm,
Cherish’d seed rooted in dunes still,
A ship, he had but moments to helm!

Sinew stretch’d on the rudder,
Muscle straining at Life’s sail,
All gleanings of the past etched in memory,
His progeny strives not to fail!

And a billion lives, in a billion worlds,
Thus tended by causal ties,
He tends lovingly to all his flock,
The Apples of Banamali’s Eyes!

For tribulations forge instinct,
And the seed bears the fruit within,
A daughter now holds the nectar of ages,
And the Promise of future win!

---

[This piece was composed by my husband Siddhi Prada Bhattacharyya. The context to this is in the name ‘Banamali’ itself. In Eastern India, it is a lovingly given name to Krishna, and by corollary to Vishnu. His grandfather, Late Mr. Ananda Gopal Bhattacharyya, was also christened with another name used for the same Vishnu avatar. The piece presented here has been written as if his family’s travails are being seen through the consciousness of his grandfatherly spirit.

During his life here amongst us, he had been a District Magistrate in Odisha at the time. As part of his duties, he had to at times hunt down man-eating big cats in the nearby forests as man and beast vied for space. Although a stickler for duty, he would lament the killing of the magnificient felines. This story traces an imaginary path from where the lament of an orphaned cub came back to haunt him and his progeny over generations. His son Late Mr. Bidhu Shekhar, was born with challenged hearing, but rose to become a nationally awarded architect and was a trendsetter with his abilities, acumen and skill. Even though he lived a short yet bountiful life, he set his family on a path of continuous growth that his sons now carry forward.

And over all this presides the Preserver – Vishnu, who holds each living being without discretion, without judgement, as he steers their course of life towards Eternity!]

Budding Parenting

Hi, everyone! This is my very first blog. I was trying to start off from a long time but hadn’t made any headway. The frustration of inertia was becoming too much to bear, so today I kept my foot down and said to myself I have to, come what may. And so, here I am!

Another big question in front of me was “how to start and what to write about?”, amongst the many thoughts and ideas fluttering about in my mind. Then I saw my cute little daughter Kaju playing in front of me and the full journey of motherhood spun around me and I got the subject right in front of my mind’s eye that I was looking for all this while – “PARENTING”!

Spurred by my moment of clarity, I sat down to put my thoughts to paper. The one thing I constantly kept asking myself was “when was the first time I had the budding thought of parenting?” It was then that I realized that it isn’t something very recent. Instead, my mind traveled back to when I took a small kid in my arms and felt the warmth of that little soul was when my parenting instincts had started budding from. Without my conscious thought, a certain maturity had started budding inside me, once I knew that I wished to be part of bringing another life into this world and seeing to it that it bloomed and became a blossom.

Let me share my experience.

belong to a nuclear family but I had a very strong, special bond with my neighbors. It was in an interaction earlier on, in my formative years, that made me realize my instinctive parenting urge for the first time.

I was in secondary school or so, when I think I first took care of an infant. So as the tale goes, our next door neighbors had been blessed with a baby boy. Being their first child, they were quite clueless at times on how to tackle difficult situations which could arise suddenly in the midst of everyday circumstances, let alone even have the presence of mind to deal with it sagely.

It was a super-chilly December in Kanpur, Uttar Pradesh, so the rookie mother decided to give him a warm bath to ward off the chill in the air. Only, she did not have prior experience handling a kid. So somehow during the bath, some soap managed to go inside the baby’s mouth and he started frothing at his mouth and his body was turning a little bluish as well. The panicked mother ran to our house as she was clueless, what to do?

We answered her frantic banging at our door to find her in a completely freaked-out state. At first we were all shocked to see her like that and in her near hysterical state, she was incoherent and clearly, her agitated state wasn’t helping much.

She, with extreme difficulty, explained to us the full situation. My mother ran pell-mell to her house and immediately asked her to switch on the room heater. Then with the baby blanket, she covered the baby and sat down in front of the heater. Lastly, she took a clean cloth and cleared the baby’s mouth from the inside. Slowly the baby normalized and finally slept off. It was then that my mother took a moment off to then console the distraught mother.

I was standing next to my mother and was witnessing the events unfold like a thriller movie. I was just surprised at how my mother kept her cool, even in such mayhem. She managed everything without getting hassled just because she had so much more experience (and a cool head on her shoulders. I was mesmerized.

So somewhere in my heart from that very moment I started keeping a checklist of things I would do or remember, when I don the role of mother myself and how best could I handle or avoid such situations when my turn came.

We start making our own such checklist quite subtly and subconsciously in our minds without even realizing it.  Parenting for each of us starts so innocuously and even without any visible effort, we have generally taken our first, formative steps towards a parenting role.

Parenting has nothing to do with age. On the contrary, it requires a dash of maturity, sagacity and a savvy that is within all of us, waiting to bust through. Some experience it early on in life and for some, it takes a while longer. The moment we interact with some child and we start loving them as we would our own, the parent within us has been born.

So this is how the fledgling thoughts of parenthood subtly formed a bud, shoot and have now turned into a sturdy sapling of experience in my life.

If you find this story has rung a bell within you, do care to share your own story of how the budding thoughts of parenthood took hold in your life.

Happy blogging … hope to hear from you all soon!